Five years ago my life looked very different to how it looks now. My mum had died the year before, and the year before that my MIL had died, we had moved overseas to start afresh, and as I look back I realise how naive we were. With a baby and a toddler, we thought we were just moving to a warmer climate, but expat living is a lot more than that. Knowing no-one, I joined the online communities and Facebook groups of mums, which would have been fine if I had just carried on asking questions about where to have lunch that weekend, but I wanted to work. At first I tried to carry on with my UK business as a consultant helping companies to grow, develop, restructure and streamline, but it just didn’t fit round children anymore. Then I retrained in digital marketing but with few real part time options and little trained or qualified childcare I knew I had to work from home, so I rethought my career and launched myself as a business coach. I signed up for training that I could see would help and began selling to the only world I had known for the past few years – the online ‘mums’ world…and boy has this been a roller coaster ride!
Not only have I had to learn how to grow my own business, but now the spotlight was on me, and with it came all my fears, insecurities, self worth and self-doubt. I knew I was good at what I did, but I wasn’t expecting it to feel so…well, naked. I was no longer working in a company or for someone else, and I couldn’t hide anymore (although I tried very hard). I learnt that I had been sabotaging my success all my life, as well as my ability to earn my own money. I learnt that I didn’t have enough time now that I had kids, and – the bit I wasn’t expecting – I learnt that being married was bloody hard work.
And that’s when I got well and truly stuck in negative. I literally became a glass half empty person, and even now remember that feeling when I asked myself how had it got to this? When had I become such a negative person? I felt like such a cliche, shouting at my husband, snapping at my kids, shuffling around the house in my dressing gown and feeling very sorry for myself. I went on like this for years and then one day I couldn’t take anymore, and decided to tackle my unhappiness. I did the only thing I knew how to do and shut myself away and began the journey of trying to find me again. How many of us feel like this when we are coming out of the baby years?
Living overseas, cut off from my family, and still hanging on by a thread to my ‘business’ – it felt like my business was the only bit of me I had left. I knew who I was in my business, but now I had even lost that. It took me a good few years to get back my business back on track, and it all started with discovering positive feeling.
It’s actually such a simple concept, and yet it has completely changed my life.
I just didn’t know how to feel happy again, so I thought long and hard about what I could do and then remembered something I had done ten years earlier when I was trying to specialize in HR. I had decided to only take on projects that lit me up from the inside and made me feel excited to start them. That jump out of bed with excitement feeling that so many of us lose after doing the same job for two years or more.
This time though I focused on remembering when I had felt happy, and asked myself “what had been the happiest day of my life so far?” I knew the answer straight away it was my wedding day, and as much as my husband were fighting it was still the happiest day for me.
So I started to remember the day in my mind; getting ready in the morning with my mum who gave me her beautiful gold necklace with tiny emeralds to wear as my something borrowed. Walking down the aisle with my beaming dad, and then seeing my husband cry. My ‘perma-smile’ plastered all over my face, my mouth aching, but I just couldn’t stop. Watching my family and friends chatting and having fun whilst I looked on from the sidelines, and seeing the children’s faces light up as they opened a gift from my husband and I. All these wonderful memories triggered these immense feelings of love and gratitude in me every time I thought about the day. These warm feelings filled my heart and body with such joy that I couldn’t help but smile and feel happy when I thought about them.
I was so busy, stressed, and knackered that it wasn’t long before I began to forget about thinking positively, and my negative thoughts returned. I just couldn’t remember to think about my wedding day, and I kept slipping back into my worries and anxieties. Guilt about not spending enough time with my children, fears of failure or simply not being good enough filled my mind along with immense feelings of resentment when I had to make the kids lunch when my website crashed.
I realised I could maintain the positive feeling.
Every time I felt depressed, stressed or fed up again I focused on the feeling behind it, because I was actually too stressed and busy to remember the actual wedding day by now, so I sort of bypassed that bit, and just honed in on the warm fuzzy feeling inside. Do you remember the Ready Brek boy commercial, where he goes out to play with a big orange glow around him? It felt like that – a big orange glow, but on the inside of me, instead of the out, keeping me warm and feeling good.
I just carried on feeling this warm, fuzzy feeling as many times a day as I could remember (usually around 4 or 5 times) for around 3 months and then it suddenly dawned on me that life felt better. My marriage felt better. My business felt better. I even felt like a better mum…or maybe I had just lost the guilty feeling. Anyway whatever it was I felt my life start to shift. I was starting to see the world differently and I remember saying to my husband “now I know how someone can be living in paradise and still feel unhappy” because our life is on the inside of us, not the outside. I was looking at exactly the same sunset as I had been for over 5 years but now I could see the beauty of it, whereas before I couldn’t.
How had I managed to get myself back to happy again in 3 months? How had I managed to achieve something in 3 months that a lifetime of therapy hadn’t managed to achieve?
Well, it turns out I had rewired my brain to happy, but via positive feeling, instead of positive thinking.
I had read about positive thinking before but hadn’t been able to implement it because it involved using my conscious mind, which was just too full of business, kids, family and the online world to even remember to think a happy thought. I later read that we don’t use our conscious minds long enough for it to action big changes, like becoming happier(1). We only use it for 5% of the time, which just isn’t enough. If we want to make lasting changes in our internal word, then we need to change ourselves from the inside. And by the inside I mean the body and the mind. Repeating an action again, and again, and again changes you from the inside out, instead of the ‘outside in’. Trying to get yourself happy by telling yourself that you need to feel happy, often doesn’t work, because your mind either doesn’t believe it or you forget. Focusing on feeling the high energy feelings of happiness again and again, works because you feel happy, not think happy.
Our minds and body work on a feedback loop, where positive thoughts lead to positive feelings, which then leads to positive actions. But if you can’t action the positive thoughts part (which I suspect many of us can’t) then how are you going to action positive change. Start with the positive feeling, and just keep feeling it over and over again, until you have rewired your mind to positive.
I was so fascinated by this, that I started to research it, alongside researching how to grow my own stagnating business and then one day I ended up in the same place. Positivity and business growth link up. When we are feeling more positive, we achieve more, feel more confident, are more focused and do our best work. Of course, we inherently know this but when we are stuck in negative thinking, it can be hard to see common sense solutions like this. The more I learnt, the more I could see the answers of my own business growth taking shape; something which I hadn’t been able to see for a long time. When we grow our business from the inside out, it shifts. Because we are our business. And our state of mind and our energy is what governs it all.
A study carried out by Dr Joe Dispenza at one of his advanced workshops in 2016 measured immunoglobulin (a chemical that is used as an indicator of an effective immune system) in the students before and after a 4 day period of elevated emotion, only 3 times a day for around 10 minutes. The IgA levels went up by 49.5%, and yet nothing in their external environment had changed. So, when I was constantly feeling positive for 4-5 times a day for as long as I could remember too, I was essentially doing the same thing.
I was moving my body out of stress, grief, frustration, anxiety, negativity and into positivity. And by this time I wasn’t even thinking about the happiest day of my life anymore, I was simply feeling it. The more I was feeling these warm feelings in my heart, the more I was getting myself back to positive, happy and healthy again.
And it’s stepping into this positive feeling or ‘elevated emotion’ that Joe Dispenza calls it, that starts off the chain reaction to achieving what you want in life. We will talk a lot more about this in chapter 4, which is all about how you can energetically grow your business ‘from the inside out” but for now let’s carry on with the huge benefits of feeling positive.
Look at the Hertz Vibration table below, which shows you the frequency of each emotion and feeling. You can see the high vibration ones are things like joy, love, compassion and gratitude, whereas the low vibration ones are feelings like guilt, fear and apathy. When you are feeling positive, you are literally vibrating at a higher frequency, and you are more energy than matter. How amazing do you feel when you are happy or on a ‘high’? You feel ‘as high as a kite’, or you feel like you ‘are walking on air’. I know I feel lighter, and like I can conquer the world, well your energy or frequency feels like that too. It is high energy. And how low do you feel when you are fed up, depressed or burnt out? We feel heavier, and we even have cliches around this too….we carry ”the weight of the world” or we feel “weighed down” with our worries.
When you really feel these emotions, from within, you are now vibrating at the same frequency of that emotion(1). So, as far as your energy is concerned you are now peace, joy, love or compassion. And if you look – or feel – hard enough you can feel that you are. How serene do you feel when you are compassionate or forgiving towards people? How calm and connected do you feel when you are sitting in the frequency of peace or serenity?
The problem is maintaining it, when you are rushed off your feet, stressed, having sleepless nights worrying about cashflow and lots more. If you want to learn more then get in touch and I would be happy to share more…